I am the type of person that needs balance in life in order to maintain and even flow in my mind or else all things fall apart around me. For the past couple of weeks life has been out of wack and it has finally take a grip of my life so much that I was forced to stop and chill and gain balance before things got worse.
So, I started a new section of my Medical Coding program and it is the core courses in coding and I was immediately overwhelmed. I do not have a medical background and I am going into a field that has its own language and I am learning at a fast pace. As a person who take pride in doing well and I want my rewards for succeeding and that meant I wanted an “A”. Now mind you I have been down the road of perfection seeking before and the outcome was not pretty, you would think I would’ve learned my lesson before. Old habits die-hard.
The drive for an “A” meant long hours pouring over textbooks and living in the library with coffee and my dictionary. I was swamped and I neglected a lot of tool that keep me balanced and off the path of destruction. My sleeping was completely off, I missed so many hours of sleep which didn’t help my mood. I was stressed and determined and I was in a constant state of anxiety. I consider myself to be somewhat intelligent and I am used to reading a ton, however, when you lump eight chapters of medical codes and terms some chapters totaling 100 pages into two weeks I felt out of my element.
I tried soak up as much information as possible and putting aside my diagnosed test taking anxiety among other learning quirks I pushed myself to the limits. My test finally approached and the day before I decided I couldn’t study anymore and I didn’t. I went to class and freaked out during my timed exam I managed to get 560/1000! I failed miserably! I second guessed myself, my bladder wanted to explode and I felt so tired! I was so mad at myself but I was also relieved. I know that sounds weird, but I just wanted to sleep.
I immediately dismissed myself to the restroom and got a drink of water. For about ten minuets I was so angry with myself and devastated with my performance. I couldn’t understand how I could put so much time into this test only to fail. This was not a little slip it was as if I didn’t study anything. After this exam I was ready to bounce for the day, and I went back and forth in my mind about staying or leaving school for the day. I left and attended the grand opening of my Mom’s salon, which was a nice way to unwind.
My mind was racing and I felt kind of lost and empty for a while. Going to the event gave me something else to focus on if only briefly. However, by the time I arrived home I was spent and done with life…
To Be Continued
So maybe the best way to begin is to just begin.
I am almost 38years old, in five days I will be two years away from 40! When I think about that I am freaked out, I can’t believe how time has passed. It is only now that I am starting to make some sort of sense of my life, the majority of time I am embarrassed because it has taken me so long to actually have some sort of concrete direction. I know I shouldn’t be worried about that since it does take some people a while to know what they want out of life.
When I started out my “adult life” I had great plans for greatness. I would attend college and get my Doctored in Clinical Psychology within eight years; I would open a small practice. I would get married two years after have children travel and live out my life making the world better using my passion. I had so much hope and a lot to give. Along the way I realized I can’t give what I do not have one of my many realities of life. I accomplished one goal that was to get through undergraduate school with a B.A. in Psychology. I was accepted into graduate school, within the six months between getting accepted into graduate school and actually attending my life completely fell apart and I was devastated. I ended up in the hospital. Life went further downhill during that period of life and as the time drew near for me to attend school the dream continued to fade. That story is for another day.
My life crumbled all around me and it has taken me almost eight years to come to grips with the journey of my life, I am so thankful to God that I am now in a place where I feel like I can actually live a productive life. That feeling of hope that I had prior to the fall of my life is slowly beginning to return. The life I see for myself is actually tangible and some of the dreams I originally had changed along the way. Another thing I had to deal with and accept, it wasn’t easy.
Now five days before my birthday I can look back and see that I was in no way equipped to handle the demands of the life I wanted to create for myself. At this moment, I realize that I still have a lot of room to grow and life is better I see light beyond darkness. I am hopeful about the upcoming year, I believe that my birthday is symbolic of a new chapter in my life. I am so grateful for the opportunities along the way that have allowed me to push towards a new life.
So, I taught myself Sudoku! When this Sudoku became popular I avoided the popular new activity like I avoid math. As soon as I saw the numbers my brain immediately scrambled and I told myself I couldn’t it because I have a math disability! Part of me really wanted to be able to understand the concept of putting the numbers in their correct boxes.My Sister was a beast in Sudoku, she had several booklets and she did the puzzles in ink pen!
My Mom and Sister tried to patiently explain the concept, I didn’t get it. Like with most things it takes a bit before I catch on to things and usually when I do I am pretty good. There was this big mental block around Sudoku all because of the numbers that swarmed all over the page. I really wanted to learn how to do the darn puzzles and they seemed difficult.When I first started doing Sudoku it would sometimes take me at least a day to complete an entire puzzle. As time went on I got better and started to understand the concept of number placement and I was so excited. One thing I also realized about the puzzle itself is,it has nothing to do with math! So,I freaked myself out over numbers and boxes.
I have to say Sudoku has become one of my go-to activities when I need something to do with my hands, need a moment away from the chaos going on around me and it makes me stop and mentally chill out. I love to carry little pocket size booklets with me full of puzzles, it is kind of like the adult coloring craze.
When I finish a puzzle I feel proud in an odd way. I taught myself do Sudoku and when I am done with a puzzle I feel a little moment of happiness because I am not afraid of the numbers and boxes. I can now do the expert puzzles and the easy ones I can do in pen! I am a beast with Sudoku. Sometimes it is the small accomplishments that mean more to me because I think I put the most work into the challenged areas.
It is Friday night, I am sitting home with Netflix and dinner that is my way of relaxing after a long day spent in the library. I spent the majority of my day in the library praying that the four dollar black coffee with two add shots would keep me awake so I can finish reading my Medical Insurance Handbook chapters for Monday. Some days I am just not interested in Medical Billing, actually I am never really into billing it is just one of those courses I have to endure before moving to my core courses. Thank God I am almost done.
After the library I went over to the park to unwind. I walked about forty-five minuets around the park.My new bright royal blue and pink Pegasus running shoe was hurting my big toe, I think my right foot is a little larger than my left. I decided to end my walk because I was terrified at the idea of somehow developing a bunion as a result of my shoe being tight. I moved on to my next best option for exercise, my hula hoop which is my go to at the park. I like to take off my shoes and socks and hoop with and focus on the moist grass squishing underneath my feet. Is it weird that I tend to feel relaxed in those moments? For that brief period of time my mind is off and I get lost in the motions. It is my alternative for the gym and that is not my favorite place at all.
The moment faded, I packed my stuff and headed back to my car, I contemplated taking some time to read my book but I really just wanted to go home and relax. All I really wanted was dinner and a couple of movies that did not require any brainpower. I cooked my dinner and plopped down in front of the t.v. and zoned out for the rest of the evening and now it is almost 2 a.m.! I should be asleep but I am wide awake, my coffee from earlier today will probably keep me up and that is not good since I have another long day ahead.
Once I am done with this I will shower, drink some tea and hope for the best. My sleeping patterns are always wonky and it has nothing to do with wether or not I get enough sleep the night before. I wish I could sleep like normal people wake up and actually be refreshed for the new day. Well, I think this is a good place to end, I need to get some sort of rhythm with this writing. Bye!
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