I am the type of person that needs balance in life in order to maintain and even flow in my mind or else all things fall apart around me. For the past couple of weeks life has been out of wack and it has finally take a grip of my life so much that I was forced to stop and chill and gain balance before things got worse.
So, I started a new section of my Medical Coding program and it is the core courses in coding and I was immediately overwhelmed. I do not have a medical background and I am going into a field that has its own language and I am learning at a fast pace. As a person who take pride in doing well and I want my rewards for succeeding and that meant I wanted an “A”. Now mind you I have been down the road of perfection seeking before and the outcome was not pretty, you would think I would’ve learned my lesson before. Old habits die-hard.
The drive for an “A” meant long hours pouring over textbooks and living in the library with coffee and my dictionary. I was swamped and I neglected a lot of tool that keep me balanced and off the path of destruction. My sleeping was completely off, I missed so many hours of sleep which didn’t help my mood. I was stressed and determined and I was in a constant state of anxiety. I consider myself to be somewhat intelligent and I am used to reading a ton, however, when you lump eight chapters of medical codes and terms some chapters totaling 100 pages into two weeks I felt out of my element.
I tried soak up as much information as possible and putting aside my diagnosed test taking anxiety among other learning quirks I pushed myself to the limits. My test finally approached and the day before I decided I couldn’t study anymore and I didn’t. I went to class and freaked out during my timed exam I managed to get 560/1000! I failed miserably! I second guessed myself, my bladder wanted to explode and I felt so tired! I was so mad at myself but I was also relieved. I know that sounds weird, but I just wanted to sleep.
I immediately dismissed myself to the restroom and got a drink of water. For about ten minuets I was so angry with myself and devastated with my performance. I couldn’t understand how I could put so much time into this test only to fail. This was not a little slip it was as if I didn’t study anything. After this exam I was ready to bounce for the day, and I went back and forth in my mind about staying or leaving school for the day. I left and attended the grand opening of my Mom’s salon, which was a nice way to unwind.
My mind was racing and I felt kind of lost and empty for a while. Going to the event gave me something else to focus on if only briefly. However, by the time I arrived home I was spent and done with life…
To Be Continued